Robot Combat

Robot Wars Season 5 Recap

Robot Wars Series 5 by the pit button
The new pit release button

Reign Over, Man. Reign Over! Robot Wars season 5 recap

To paraphrase the infamous words of Hudson from the cinematic masterpiece, “Aliens” (1986), the game as we know it is over. The kings of Robot Wars (i.e. Chaos 2, Hypno-Disc, etc.) have been dethroned — and what should be running through my head as I type this? Why, “Ding Dong! The Witch is dead,” of course.

Despite the gloriousness of said upheaval (I could literally write paeans about the change of tides), I must touch upon some other series 5 ‘stuff’ first.

Side note: For all you youngin’s out there who aren’t familiar with Aliens, go watch the movie. Literally. Get in a car, find yourself a video store, and rent the flippin’ VHS. It’ll change your life.

Back to the game – more specifically, its format. Even MORE specifically, the changing of the game’s format. Yes, the changes have changed again, as they have in each and every single season. Did I confuse you? Good. I, myself, am pretty fuzzy-headed, which means I have included yet another graphic (*ahem* @RobotWarsTopNws) to smooth out the bumpy bits. I guess, creating these things might just be better than being bludgeoned to death with a stone frog…. Then again, maybe not.
Series5_TourneyChanges_vs2

While we’re still on the topic of changes, let me get a little mini-rant on: There’s definitely ONE modification the show should have made. I (still) don’t get the purpose of the Ref Bot! What, so he breaks up the fighting to pass out penalties and to count s**t down? News flash, Ref! The effin’ bot you just started counting-down-on was immobilized 10 minutes ago… HELLO!? The bot isn’t gonna get up! This ain’t Aliens: Resurrection, where Ripley is revived after being dead for, like, forever. They’ve leaked their last drop of fuel! They’ve torn a line or warped a board! Your slow ass just gets in the way. Pure Bee-Ess.

By the way (BTW for the illiterate), #AlienCovenant is coming! I’m scared… but with excitement.

QUICKIES

These are the throw-aways. I’ve included them because they are too big NOT to mention, but too small to not not MENTION, if you get my drift.

  • OH-EM-GEE, those new pit release buttons are to DIE for; aren’t they!? There’s something diabolical about them suckers. The contestants have to be part suicidal, part cocky to go for it…and they do. They always do.

Robot Wars Season 5 – Pit Button – Streamable

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  • Philippa Forrester, RW’s original pit interviewer, is back this season (sans baby-bump). We missed her. No offense, Jay-Reed. Well, sorta. You did an okay job filling-in last season, just not okay enough. I guess all blondes aren’t created equal, huh?
  • Johnathan Pearce is…REAL! The jovial commentator of the past 4 seasons made his first real cameo (well, that I can recall). Actually, he appeared quite a bit (for an announcer…) during each episode.

Robot Wars Season 5 – Jonathan Pearce – Streamable

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Now that we’re through with our quickie, let’s move onto some meatier topics.

REMATCH? REALLY?

This was the first season to experience a (wait for it) rematch. During the Heat A Semi-Final, both Chaos 2 and S.M.I.D.S.Y became immobilized. It really wasn’t as big of a deal as it was made out to be. Really.

Robot Wars Season 5 – Rematch – Streamable

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Apparently, it wasn’t clear that Chaos 2 was kickin’ S.M.I.D.S.Y.’S arse, so they both agreed to duke it out again. Of course, Chaos 2 prevailed. Of course.

VERSUS…

One thing’s for sure, the Fifth Wars was responsible for many a fans’ favorite. I’m not sure if these so-called fans actually saw previous wars, but, hey, who am I to judge; right? There were some pretty exciting moments, but they will never compare to the show’s firsts. You know, the cherry poppers (i.e. the introduction of srimech, Hypno-Disc’s original rampage, some other cool stuff from past seasons). However, I aim to please — so I give you: The Top Ten Tussles of Series 5. I’ve listed them in order of importance… to me.

#1 – Wheely Big Cheese vs Axe-Awe (Heat H)

Wheely Big Cheese FLIPPED THAT F**CKER!!! What? That’s all there is to say. See for yourself.

Robot Wars Season 5 – Wheely Big Cheese Flipping – Streamable

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Now, before you complain about this match being #1 – Don’t. IDONTEVENCARE! The air-time on that flip? MONSTORE!! That’s one paygrade above monster, for those of you who thought I spelled that s**t wrong. I didn’t and I coined it, so back off.

#2 – Bigger Brother vs Hypno-Disc (Grand Final Eliminator)

Have you ever heard the term “nail biter”? Well, the stress of this match had me etching my cuticles with my teeth. Bigger Brother exhibited a supreme amount of aggression, although simultaneously took the most damage (that’s Hypno-Disc for ya’). BB’s operators expertly maneuvered the rig each time H-D approached so that the bot’s bigger and badder backside would take all the hits. Genius.

Robot Wars Season 5 – Coming from behind – Streamable

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By the end of the thing, I was fully declawed and pleasantly surprised with the outcome.

Robot Wars Season 5 – Huge upset by Bigger Brother – Streamable

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#3 – Diotoir vs Tornado (Heat G)

Tornado was dealin’ some heavy pressure come ‘go time.’ He was just hammering Diotoir for what seemed like 20 minutes straight!

Robot Wars Season 5 – Diotoir keeps getting hit – Streamable

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And then (pregnant pause) Diotoir released the pit. As smooth as some black spotted berry jam getting’ spread on a piece of Wonder Bread, Diotoir pushed Tornado into the pit.

Robot Wars Season 5 – Diotoir comeback – Streamable

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Huh…. Didn’t see that one coming. I can’t help but feel a little let down.

#4 – Chaos 2 vs Wild Thing (Semi-Final 1)

Chaos 2 literally cheated death-by-pit twice. Twice! And then proceeded to win the bout as decided by the judges. A spot of nepotism? Not so sure. Wild Thing got tossed around a bit before taking over the (semi-successful) reins.

Robot Wars Season 5 – Surviving the pit – Streamable

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#5 – Razer vs Firestorm 3
Guess who DIDN’T get immobilized!?! Our boy Razer, that’s who! There was a brief moment where I thought, “oh, boy… here we go again…”

Robot Wars Season 5 – Beating immobilization – Streamable

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But it was all for naught!

Robot Wars Season 5 – Crowd goes wild for Razer – Streamable

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#6 – Mousetrap vs S3 (Heat C)

Word to the wise: if you are ever attacked by someone wielding a saw, DON’T, I repeat, DON’T put them in a strangle hold. Mousetrap thought that hugging his opponent might subdue him, but the kill-’em-with-kindness approach backfired. S3 proceeded to saw the loving life out of that wedge.

Robot Wars Season 5 – S3 buzzsaws Mousetrap – Streamable

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#7 – Clawed Hopper vs Twister (Heat L)

The walker prevails! This was the first time in RW history that a walking robot made it through to the second round. I’d say that makes this bout pretty list-worthy, don’t you? Okay, so it appeared as if Twister lost all power/control right off the bat, but does that really matter?

Robot Wars Season 5 – Walker bot actually wins – Streamable

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Whatever. Walkers are super bawss.

#8 – Corkscrew vs Dominator 2 (Heat F)

While this wasn’t the bloodiest of battles, it was pretty entertaining. Corkscrew, the endearing little Scottish lorry wheel, spun free of disaster on multiple occasions and lead Dominator 2 on a merry chase. Unfortunately, D2 got the best of the highlander and knocked it squarely on the ‘hurdies.’

Robot Wars Season 5 – Being set on the hurdies – Streamable

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#9 – Razer vs Widow’s Revenge (Heat K)

This bout stirred up the audience due to its domestically disturbed nature. The wives took on their hubbies in a not-so-epic WOMAN vs MAN.

Robot Wars Season 5 – Wives vs husbands – Streamable

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As you probably saw, the actual ‘fighting’ left something to be desired. Razer pretty much captured and crushed immediately.

Robot Wars Season 5 – Razer vs Widow’s Revenge – Streamable

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#10 – Evolution vs Sabretooth (Heat G)

This was a somewhat notable bout, but only in terms of the destruction handed down by the house robots. Both Sir Killalot and Sergeant Bash were yellow-carded for their infractions! I think they were just getting a wee bit bored, as the competitors didn’t seem to be inflicting any… well, anything.

Robot Wars Season 5 – Double yellow cards – Streamable

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THE FINALS

The newly incorporated ‘Losers Melee’ took center stage — more like up-center behind a somewhat transparent scrim (for all my theatre geeks out there). The three bots who got knocked out of their semi round got a chance to make it back into the big show…if they beat the actual winner in a second round, that is. While there was some enjoyment to be had by watching some three-way action, it felt like a producer’s ploy. Let’s just say I wasn’t too keen on the concept. Other than the ménages and a few choice moments, the crowning of the new monarch took the proverbial pound cake. Get it? England + fighting = pound! No? Screw it, I tried.

THE GRAND CHAMPION or LOOK WHO’S LAUGHING NOW or THERE’S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN!

Oh, Razer. We always knew you could do it! What is one of the most beautifully crafted machines, finally got its ‘gear’ working properly. Lewis, Blood, and Scott (Razer’s operators) penetrated competitor after competitor, ripping through chassis with their bot’s claw, which exerted 3 tons of pressure at its tip (9 total). Gets you a little warm and fuzzy just thinking about it, doesn’t it?

The team had a lot to be thankful for. They finally pulled in a real win, like real men who really win do. No more side titles and fluff prizes. Razer didn’t limp out when it really mattered, and it paid off big. At least this once. I’m pretty sure the bot’ll go limp again come series 6… ‘cuz that’s just what it does. Goes limp.

IN CLOSING

The Fifth Wars kicked some major tuckus — well, only specific parts of the Fifth Wars kicked only specific parts of the tuckus…. Anyhow, the bouts were either extremely boring or borderline life-altering, and there wasn’t as much imagination this season. Simply put, no one pushed the envelope… flippin’ slackers!

Hopefully, the Sixth Wars will brighten the eyes of this fan with some genuine, whole-hearted, awe-inspiring creativity. Hopefully.

Check back soon for the Robot Wars Series 6 recap, “Cue the Brexit.”

FORTUNE COOKIE: A tempest approaches, unsubtle; back for its vicious ‘rebuttal.’
I know, I’m like the Shakespeare of the 21st century….

Series5_Fortune_Cookie_Answer

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